So, its obviously the new year. I hope everyone had a nice new year c:
Mine was all right, I spent it mostly watching Kouhaku and eating haha.
Anyway, I guess i'd like to talk about 2010. Not that anyone reads this LOL so i'll pretty much be talking to myself.
But then again, what blogs/online journals don't seem like you're talking to yourself?
So first off, i'd have to mention a bit of 2009, before I go into 2010. Part of 2009 is a big impact on how my 2010 was. 2009 was great. I couldn't ask for anything better. Got to see Morning Musume, my favorite group ever, live in concert.
Had an amazing girlfriend, had great friends, everything was amazing. Till late 2009. The stress of my mom having to go through dialysis and having surgery was overwhelming. Because of it, I failed to practice my singing/dancing for my audition for Avex. I don't blame my mom at all, I blame myself. I wasn't worried about losing the audition, all I was worried about was my mom.
And if she was going to be okay the whole time, cause anything bad could happen at any moment with surgeries and such. I also felt like it was my fault she had broken her wrist, to this day, i'll blame myself (she also blames me for it too haha). Of course, I tried to stay positive and hope for the best. I was wrong to do that. My best friend Ryan was changing and ignoring me a lot, even comparing me to his friend Nikki. Cause she was so fashionable, not an otaku, was soo pretty and just amazing in everyway. I felt like shit. My friend, since I was 15yo, shocked me to be like that.
My dad, also was constantly threatening to leave. He does that a lot, and people say "ahh he's just bluffing." when you don't know that. People can say it and never do it...but one day..they just might....
Again, convincing myself everything was okay, I went through weeks of living a lie.
I finally knew what true heartbreak was. It hurts. I can't even describe what it feels like, honestly. It's the worst feeling in the world.
You feel like your world is caving in on you, like your most precious thing was taken away from you (literally, in my case), you feel so lost and like you don't even know what to do. All I could do was lock myself in my room, crying myself to sleep everyday, all day, telling myself it was okay and that it's all just a bad dream...that i'd eventually wake up from. Unfortunately, it wasn't a bad dream.
It was reality. I knew what reality was like, but to be slapped in the face by it. It was too much for me. I went to a friend's party to hopefully feel better. But no, it didn't go that way at all. Ryan asked "how are things with your girlfriend?" lol he actually asked. I wanted to break down and cry on his shoulder...but when I tried...all he did was push me away, telling me "Sorry, you're going to kill my buzz, talk to me about this shit later." How could a friend be so cruel like that? How? Thankfully, Daniella was there for me the whole night. Ever since, she's always been there for me...no matter what. It turned out Ryan told Daniella "She's really fucking the party up for me, why was she invited? Geez, she should have left her problems at home, shes annoying."
At that point, how could I convince myself everything was going to be okay? For weeks....even months...all I did was stay in my room.
Occasionally left my room to do daily things (like eating dinner or going to the bathroom haha). Despite taking up my drawing hobby cause of everything, all I could think of was her. Everyday...all day...I missed her...What she told me...made me feel like I wasn't good enough. "You know (girl's name, that she was with at the time) actually there for me and makes sure I am okay and takes care of me." I felt horrible. She doesn't know how much effort I put...into our relationship...it was such a horrible feeling...I wish I never experienced it. Even now, just thinking about it, I burst into tears. Even though all that happened, she was always on my mind. Nothing could make her leave.
As stupid as people thought I was for it, after a month of missing and aching for her, I started talking to her again. Everyday was pain...but...even if I wasn't happy..as long as she was happy, I was trying to be content. I am sure this annoyed my brother lol telling him my depression almost everyday...
My brother was there for me, off and on. If you ever read this, I want you to know...even if I am the most annoying person in the world to you, even if you won't accept somethings about me, even if i'm just a horrible little sister, I love you. You don't even know.
Once 2010 started, I felt nothing. No happiness.
"Just another year of shit." Is all I could think for 2010. Again, it was the same bullshit to me.
Being ignored by Ryan, mom's health problems, dad threatening to leave, then my crazy depression I was going through. I tried getting with other people to get over the pain of my ex/best friend. Nothing worked.
At this point, I was willing to do ANYTHING to become a naive teenager again. To enjoy life...the simplest things. To think true love existed once again. The only things that kept me sane were playing Pokemon, at the time, HeartGold and SoulSilver was released.
So it was something that kept me occupied. Along with improving my art skills. It was the only thing that could take me back to my childhood, and try making me think everything was okay, as long as I played that game.
Eventually, not even Pokemon helped me feel like a kid again.
I tried doing things I did as a child..watching cartoons, playing video games, reading manga more than I normally did, watching anime even.
It eased the pain every so often. Cause of it, I would look for anime fans online. I eventually came across a girl, who I thought was just amazing, at the time. She was nice, cute, interesting, cosplayed (a very good cosplayer, actually) and was just amazing all around.
Imidiately, I was interested. She always made me laugh, she was cute when I complimented her on her cosplaying... everything seemed nice and swell again. Like I was finally getting over the girl I loved and finally growing to like someone else. At least, thats what I convinced myself, as usual. After maybe, 4 or 5 months, this...amazing, cosplaying, anime loving girl got tired of me. I obviously asked her out, she seemed flattered but said "I really do like you, but lets see if we stay liking each other..and...if in a week or two, we're still into each other we can date!" I agreed. It turns out, after that week, I asked her again...and all she could say was "Sorry, I like this guy. Besides, we live far apart. It's awkward, you know? lol Lets stay friends."
As much as you'd thing it would hurt me, it actually didn't. I somewhat expected it, to be honest. And the reason it didn't hurt, was because I was still interested in my ex, badly. You know what's funny? the guy didn't even like her lol and he rejected her on the spot.
I eventually started talking to my friend who is a guy, that i've known for a pretty long time. He was so sweet to me, nice, and different. And with how sensitive and beat up my heart was, it was stupid enough to fall for it. Anything was good enough to get me over my ex. ANYTHING was good...apparently. Why do I say, apparently? cause after a few weeks after he told me he liked me, he dated some random girl he met... It seemed every person that year, who claimed to like me, after a week went off with someone else. Sad, isn't it? That not even online, someone could like me.
Besides having a fucked up love life, everything else was just about fine. I was doing good with my art, improving a lot. Actually getting out of my room more often, not being so depressed that I wanted to just drop off the face of the earth.
As time went, things seemed to improve (except my love life, but at this point, I didn't care). I was bored on YIM one day though, and this guy I had known when I was 14yo was online. I was completely shocked, so I IMed him to see whats been up with him. Of course, he didn't remember much about me, I didn't expect him to. Despite not talking to him after so many years, I felt a lot better. Like, a lot was lifted from my shoulders, I laughed, was actually enjoying talking to someone "new". He offered to hang out with me sometime, so we actually did hang out, we went to the movies. Atfirst, I panicked cause it felt like a date and everyone was convincing me it was a date lol I was so embarrassed, I wondered why anyone would even treat me so princess-like... To me, I felt I didn't deserve such treatment. Why should he treat me so nicely? He has no reason to.. but I was glad he did. Cause of it, I gained alittle confidence in myself. I felt there just might be hope for me. Maybe there truly are nice people out there.
I tried everything to not be interested in him, but for once, it wasn't cause he was "nice" or "spent money on me" or anything like that. He was an honest person, he was actually interesting, I looked forward to talking to him all the time. But I assumed he wasn't interested in me...so my feelings went away, why stay interested...when nothing good comes out of it? I should have taken that advice way more serious sometimes.
Then, to my surprise, my ex was single again. I didn't even know what to think. Except I tried to be there for her, no matter what. I know so well what heartbreak feels like..I hated seeing her that way. I thought seeing her happy with someone else hurt...but seeing her in so much pain, actually hurt so much more than I imagined.
If she is reading this, I want you to know I am always here for you. No matter the time of day, whatever day it is. Holiday or not. Night or Day. Call me, text me, email me, message me, IM me. Anything. Cause you're not alone, and I want you to know that. You may feel alone and like no one cares. But know that you're not alone and someone does care for you. I do. Whatever your problems are, they're mine too. I want to help you through everything, no matter how difficult it is. You know I am horrible with somethings like this, but I will do ANYTHING in my power to be there for you. Trying might not be good enough...but know that you can come to me for anything and I will actually care and listen to you. You always say...you want to find someone you can truly be yourself around, right? As selfish as it may sound, I want to be that person. I KNOW I can be that person. Cause I truly will accept everything about you. Every little thing you think is a flaw, I will accept and love about you. From you physically to the little details in your personality I may not know about. I will be here for you and help you through everything. Mentally, emotionally..anything. I won't judge you on what you decide in life, all I will do is be there for you to help you out of the bad things and be there for you to be happy with you for the good things. You can't do any wrong, I know that.
Even though I am a completely selfish, idiotic, creeper with you lol I have unconditional love for you. Please know that.
From some things that have happened with my friend I came back into contact with, I have gained some confidence. You don't know how thankful I am for that.
The last of my 2010, has been spent with wonderful people. My nieces, that I am grateful to see again. My ex, who is still my best friend that I love dearly (obviously from the long confession I made haha) and my good friend who I came back into contact with again. Daniella...and new people i've met.
Thank you all for being there for me and seeing things differently.
Because of you all (including a few other friends I didn't mention, but you should know who you are) Thank you, I know I won't get through things alone.
Besides, life is too short to dwell on somethings, you know? I also want to say to anyone reading this, things DO get better. I felt it was a lie when people said "things get better" when its true. A part of me wants to say things don't always get better, but thats cause I am still getting over somethings. But despite it taking almost over a year,
I am getting better. Getting better....it just doesn't happen in the blink of an eye, it takes time. It's a painful route. It'll feel like forever. But just know that it'll get better. I realized that when I left school, things got better for me. Leaving school isn't exactly a proper way to deal with problems though, but theres other ways to deal with problems. Killing yourself, cutting, putting yourself into pain to make yourself feel better. They all seem like a good way to get out of it, right? It's not. I've been there and done that. it's the easy way out, I understand that, so it seems good to do. But no one deserves to feel that way. Thats why I know, things WILL get better. For anyone and everyone. It may not be now, it may not be for a few years. But hang in there, and things will get better slowly and surely. Love problems, job problems, school problems, being teased/picked on, abusive relationships...things will get better. Sometimes, it takes you stepping you to make things better, sometimes...just...going through it. Not saying if you're in an abusive relationship, to just go through it till its over with..for that, obviously leave! get help. Do something...I know its easier said than done though. And in the end, you know, you become a stronger person. Despite all the scars, cuts, wounds and bruises you'll have emotionally, you are still going to be a beautiful person and if no one can see anyone for that, they're not worth your time. So despite all those "ugly" scars and stuff you feel that make you feel worthless, horrible, unwanted and a lot of other bad things, theres no reason to feel that way. Someone can also come along and even patch up those scars for you and still see you for the amazing person you are. And if you're a cutter or cause pain upon yourself to feel better, when you're happy years from now..you'll look at those scars and think "wow, why?" Cause I know thats what I did, when I started to finally be happy again.
I know that was all over the place...but its just something i'd like people to know and think about (if ANYONE reads this at all lol) and it's obvious I failed at just trying to give a good encouraging speech haha.
Soo...cause of 2010 and part of 2009...
I want to become a better person this year.
Gain more confidence....live life to the fullest. Do things I didn't get to do in 2010...I will be living two years in one, hopefully!
Get out of my shell as well..just...hopefully be a different person by 2011. Not let little things bother me, even not let big things bother me. I want to go into this year more confident and try to be more positive than I was in the past year.